JLA Christmas Party
by HughHarper
Summary: Just another Christmas party at the JLA headquarters. Rated M for strong language and gay jokes.


The JLA Christmas Party

The Place - Justice League HQ

The Time - 7:48 PM, Christmas Eve

The Event - JLA Christmas Party

**Superman:** I just want to thank everyone for coming this evening. Let's all do our best to have a good time and enjoy the celebration.

As Superman finishes his speech, the heroes start to mingle. Some go to the bar, while others dance, while other go to the buffet.

**Batman** _(pouring himself some beer)_**:**You fellas just don't understand the trouble of having a kid sidekick.

**Plastic Man:** What do you mean, Bats? Is the Boy Wonder giving you a hard time?

**Batman: **He's just so ungrateful. He's been skipping school and losing all the batarangs I've given him. The little shit doesn't realize that those things cost money. The other day, I caught him showing all of his school friends the Bat Cave. The fuckers got into everything. Alfred's still trying to get the gum out of the computers.

**Guy Gardener:** Aw hell. He's just a damn kid. Cut him some slack, Brucie.

**Batman:** Don't call me Brucie. Last week, we were fighting Catwoman. She invited me to her place for a little "one on one" if ya catch my drift. I tell Tim to go home. Well later, I caught the little fucker on Catwoman's balcony videotaping us. Before I could catch the asshole, he posted us on the fuckin' Internet!

**Flash:** Oh yeah. On CatLicksBat dot com, that was awesome!

**Batman:** Fuck you, Wally.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the bar, Atom, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Snapper Carr were sitting at the table watching Wonder Woman dance by herself.

**Atom:** I think the Princess has had one too many beers.

**Snapper:** Yeah, but just watch her move.

**Green Lantern:** Look at how them titties just bounce up and down. Don't you just wanna stick your face in there and die happy?

**Martian Manhunter:** No, that wouldn't do anything for me.

**Snapper:** You're gay, aren't you, J'onn?

**Martian:** No, I am a martian. Earth women just don't turn me on.

**Snapper:** What if she was green?

**Lantern:** And looked like Gumby?

**Martian:** No.

**Atom:** Yup, you're gay.

Meanwhile, Superman, Booster Gold, and Blue Beetle are at the buffet table eating.

**Beetle:** So, Supes, how's married life treating ya?

**Superman:** Well, it's okay, I guess.

**Booster:** You sure don't sound positive.

**Superman:** I just thought it'd be different. Lois keeps saying she's not satisfied, you know, in the s-e-x department.

**Beetle:** You can't do everything faster then a speeding bullet, y'know. Some things, you gotta take your time with. _(Beetle and Booster bust out laughing)_

**Superman** _(blushing)_**:**It's not just that. She wants to know where I am all the time. She makes me carry a darn beeper. She hates Wonder Woman. _(beeper goes off) _Oh darn it all! _(Beetle and Booster continue laughing, making jokes and whip noises)_

At another table, several members are talking to a short man in a strange costume.

**Hawkman:** Hey, pal, this is a members-only party. You are going to have to leave.

**Firestorm:** Wait a sec, Hawk. Are you sure he isn't a member? There are so many of us, I can't keep track no more.

**Black Canary:** Who are you, stranger?

**Man:** I am the mighty Ass Pirate.

**Hawk:** Never heard of you.

**Green Arrow:** Hey! Does anyone here know the Ass Pirate?

**Atom:** Yeah, it's J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter. _(laughter)_

**Martian:** I AM NOT GAY!

**Ass Pirate:** I wanna join the Justice League

**Aquaman:** I don't think so, Ass-Monkey.

**Ass Pirate:** Um, that's Pirate, Ass Pirate.

**Aquaman:** Whatever, Nancy. We got enough people.

**Ass Pirate:** Well why can't I join?

**Red Tornado:** We don't know anything about you.

**Ass Pirate:** Well my name is Richard Smoker, but my friends call me Dick.

**Batman:** Dick Smoker?

**Snapper:** Hey, J'onn!

**Martian:** I AM NOT GAY, GODDAMN YOU!

**Captain Marvel:** What powers do you have?

**Ass Pirate:** Well, I have super suction powers.

**Booster** _(laughing)_**:**J'onn!

**Martian:** Fuck you, Earth Asshole.

**Ass Pirate:** I can give mouth-to-mouth resusitation.

**Hawkman:** Not on me, Captain Ass Fuck.

**Ass Pirate **_(sobbing)_**:** IT'S ASS PIRATE! YOU SUPER HEROES ARE SO MEAN!!

Ass Pirate runs away crying while the JLA laugh and make jokes. As the Ass Pirate exits, a man in a red suit enters.

**Superman:** Hey look, everyone, Santa is here!

**Zatanna:** Who's going to sit on his lap first?

**Batman:** J'onn will! _(lots of laughter)_

**Martian:** Very fuckin' funny, Earth bitch. You can all kiss my green martian ass.

And so ends another Justice League of America Christmas party.


End file.
